I know it is a question on the tip of the tongue of so many people around me. How could she not have known? How could she have been with a man for so long? Why not just stay married and ‘not be gay’, since she’s done it before?
Well, to begin… everyone has a different journey in their life. Every person struggles with different things. At the age when most people are becoming aware and exploring their sexuality I had other, more pressing, things that I was struggling with. It does not mean that I was not aware of my attraction to women. Trust me, I was very aware of it. It means that I wasn’t able to deal with until later in my life.
It was in my late twenties when I felt secure in my home with the family that my former spouse and I had made that I began to relax into myself, sit back and enjoy my life. That’s when sexuality came to be a thing that really mattered to me. And then, like most people I suppose, it was a thing that I struggled to accept. (Ironically, it was the person who was most hurt by my coming out that was the most supportive and accepting. That my friends, is when i learned what true, unconditional love is)
So, to answer those questions. I didn’t NOT KNOW. How could I have been with a man for so long? Because I love him, and because that is where my journey in life took me. It’s where I needed to be. And why couldn’t I just stay there and continue with that life? Because I couldn’t. For so many reasons I couldn’t.
I believe that life hands us challenges and opportunities for growth when we are ready to deal with them. Why did I not come out until ‘later in life’? Because that’s when I was ready to, plain and simple.